My name is Self-Appointed Expert, and this is my blog. It is part memoir, mostly fiction, and above all just trying to be funny. Some of is based on stuff that happened to me, some is based on stuff that happened to people I know, and a good deal is just entirely made up. So, if you find yourself offended, just remember - it's a joke. When you give me that look, it's a joke. Consider it my homage to the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, A Million Little Pieces, John Hodgman, and Christopher Guest.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

They should really just pay us in press releases.

I came to law school to do two things: find a husband, and change the world. Since I'm not dating anyone at the moment, and I'm kind of a pill, as of late I've been focusing most of my efforts on the latter goal. You know, the world changing.

Like most law students who have never had to work for their money, I'm a firm believer that I should never do anything unless it has the capacity to change the world. And I mean anything. Like this morning, for instance, I had to choose between eating some very delicious cranberry and walnut cereal with soy milk, or cooking myself some free-range eggs and applewood smoked bacon. It was an easy choice for a dedicated world-changer. What does that wheat plant or soy bean care if I eat it? Answer: Not a lot. All it has to do is sit around and photosynthesize and it's right back where it started, no world-changing involved. Or, at least, those plants don't care nearly as much as the chicken fetus or the gormet hog whose life I ended prematurely in order to sate my early morning craving (nah, it was really just a slight preference) for protein. I rocked those bitches' WORLDS.

But more importantly, I'm committed to changing the world with my job. Isn't everybody? I mean, I don't really get how cleaning toilets leads to a better life for all of mankind, but I really can't explain why all those janitor people would be willing to do it otherwise. Those toilets are stinky.

All I know is, when I'm a lawyer, I'm going to change the world, billable hour by billable hour. No, paying my parents back for my education will not be enough. No, making more money annually than the cumulative total lifetime salary ever made by everyone in the history of my family tree will not satisfy me. No, getting the best training available in the legal industry and actually learning how to be a lawyer will not stop me. I want more. When I walk in the door Monday mornings, I want streamers and world renown and feelings of almost sexual bliss. I want men to want me. I want women to fear me. I want my name in the papers, and adorers fawning at my feet. Instead of me sending out my taxes to the government, every April I want the government to send me a thank you note and a celebratory fruit basket. I want it all, baby. I want to make history, and then make history for making history, and then re-write history to make all my rivals look like jerks. Because history, and world changing, is for the winners, my friend. And winners don't work just to provide for their families, or to satisfy their obligations, or to support their lifestyles, or to advance their careers, or to contribute to a market economy, or to accumulate worldly possessions, or to advance the Protestant work ethic.

No, no, no. Winners work to change the world. And for fame. Actually, just fame.


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