My name is Self-Appointed Expert, and this is my blog. It is part memoir, mostly fiction, and above all just trying to be funny. Some of is based on stuff that happened to me, some is based on stuff that happened to people I know, and a good deal is just entirely made up. So, if you find yourself offended, just remember - it's a joke. When you give me that look, it's a joke. Consider it my homage to the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, A Million Little Pieces, John Hodgman, and Christopher Guest.

Monday, June 19, 2006

One House, Two House, Cape House, Country House.

No one appreciates how difficult it is to own four houses. I mean, like, every time I talk about the ups and downs of juggling my Cabo beach bungalow with our little cottage on the Cape, it's like my friends think I'm speaking Chinese or something. They just don't understand.

Like the other day, I was sleeping in my bedroom in my New York country house, and it hit me. My bed in my New York country house is my favorite bed, of all of my beds, in all of my houses. I mean, it's not brain science or anything. My New York house is the only house that we've decided to spend the $700/pop to get the Tempur-Pedic mattresses put in, whereas in all the others we just have the regular Serta Perfect sleeper + feather bed + 300 threadcount mattress pad. But, still. I feel like preferring one bed over the other is like picking a favorite. And you shouldn't pick favorites with your houses: you should love them all the same.

Also, it's impossible to keep track of my necessities. I mean, I do the best I can. I leave my good ski pants in our ski house up in Park City. That's easy. But you can really use a good North Face fleece in a lot of places. Should I leave it in Park City, or should I keep it in Martha's Vinyard? The shore can get really chilly at night; plus, I have already have my waterproof EMS ski jacket for the slopes, so the fleece is sort of superfluous, even though it's generally colder in Utah. Ugh. It's just an impossible situation.

I guess I should make the best of it. I mean, I have this one friend whose family only has the one house in Long Island and a time share in Fire Island. I guess it's easy for him to keep track of where he stores his sheep-skin lined slippers from L.L. Bean, but at what price? I'll tell you: the price of renting out some shithole bed and breakfast every time you want to spend a week skiing (~$10,000, in Park City, and that's IF you can get a reservation). I don't mean to be cheap about accomodations, but it just doesn't make economical sense to me to not just buy the whole house. I really don't get what these one- or two-housers are thinking. Do you just never go on vacation? It just seems like a waste of money to spend $20,000 for two weeks when you could just spend $10M and have it for the rest of your life.

I guess some people just think money grows on trees.


Blogger Synonymous said...

Yo. You gots an email address, or what?

4:38 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

my house on fire island is not a time share. and i own nothing from LL Bean, so you can suck my dick.

6:06 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Umm, Ok, what happened to your entry about Synonymous Lawyer?! I was just about to say that I agreed with you completely. The funny thing is, I was convinced at the time that SL was you. When I saw the links to that strange mcevily blog, I too felt an odd sense of betrayal. Now the blog (SL) is gone. Who knows what the hell happened. It appears as though SL is still alive, though. Perhaps SL him/herself will shed some light on the situation. Unless, of course, SL is contractually bound to HH not to talk about it. Or has been intimidated by a cease and desist letter. Hmmmm...

8:52 PM

Blogger Joe said...

Glad to see you've gotten over the whole homeless thing, and turned it around in a big way.

10:58 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know this is a fictional post because a Tempurpedic mattress costs around $3,000, not $700. Also, no self-respecting yuppie would buy a Serta. Stearns & Foster, Chattam & Wells, maybe. Serta, no.

8:35 AM

Blogger Self-Appointed Expert said...

Nice try being anonymous, chump, but I'd recognize that self-serving drivel prose anywhere. For the rest of you, I'd like to introduce you all to Stavros Chattam, heir apparent to the Chattam & Wells mattress fortune - and 100% certified bitch. I don't blame Stavros for not knowing that a twin mattress from Tempurpedic costs $699 ( From what I can tell, Stavros has never actually had to pay for anything in his life - which I can identify with, and appreciate, really. What I can't forgive him for is him always trying to cram his shitty mattresses down my throat. I have my reasons for preferring the Serta. Sure, *one* mattress from Stearns & Foster may be more comfortable to sleep on, but it just doesn't compare to fun I have stacking 99 Perfect Sleepers on top of each other and seeing the look on the maid's face when I tell her I can still feel the pea.

So, like I told you the other night, Stavros, you can suck it. You can suck it like I won't suck yours. At least until after you stop dating girls named after cities and/or infected with herpes.

10:03 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can’t believe you figured me out. I still don't believe you though. Are we supposed to believe that you would outfit your homes with twin size mattresses? From the entry-level Tempurpedic line? I don’t buy it. You’re not one to purchase entry-level anything. I saw that copy of the Robb Report on your nightstand. And remember that time aboard your Hinckley, when you scoffed at the 42-foot sloop docked next to yours? Or that weekend jaunt we took down to St. Croix on my Learjet 40, and you said that you “didn’t know they made them this small”?

5:37 PM

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