My name is Self-Appointed Expert, and this is my blog. It is part memoir, mostly fiction, and above all just trying to be funny. Some of is based on stuff that happened to me, some is based on stuff that happened to people I know, and a good deal is just entirely made up. So, if you find yourself offended, just remember - it's a joke. When you give me that look, it's a joke. Consider it my homage to the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, A Million Little Pieces, John Hodgman, and Christopher Guest.

Monday, June 05, 2006

He-Man Woman Hater

We had a women's lunch at the firm today. You know the type: everyone sitting around, wearing skirts, having boobs, with the obligatory preggo chick sitting in the corner talking about how great it is to balance brief-writing with your 35-lb swollen uterus. It was murder, and not in the way that abortion is murder. This murder actually made me to stop and think. The conclusion I reached was simple, but powerful: I hate women.

Some of you might be thinking, but SEA, you are a woman. How can you hate your own kind? Try sitting down to a lunch that consists of a trio of salads, and tell me you think any differently. A trio of motherfucking salads. They might as well followed up with a pint of Ben and Jerries served on Cathy-printed placemats sponsored in part by Lifetime.

It's not fashionable to hate women in this day and age. Hating women has gotten me in trouble from time to time. I know for a fact, for instance, that I've lost at least one job offer because of it. The scene went a little something like this:

Lady interviewer: Oh, so you went to Chicago? Who were your favorite professors?
Me: Well, there was [male professor #1], and [male professor #2]. Both very funny, and personable, I really learned a lot from them, and...
Lady interviewer: So. (Interrupting.) You prefer male professors.
Me (aside): Wuuuuhhhhhh????
Me (outloud): Ummn, well. Uhh...Yeah, sort of. [Editor's note: I have a policy of being 100% honest in interviews. It's just my policy. I never said it was a good policy.] I mean, I just get along with guys better in general. I mean, I basically have no female friends, you know? And women professors, like my [civ pro] professor [who, I shit you not, I referenced by name] can come across as sort of, you know, timid sometimes. [What am I saying! Fuck!] I mean, it's like they feel like they don't belong there or something, [Double fuck!] and they don't really know what they're doing. [Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!] I mean, I just like good teachers, people who draw you in. And, most professors who are like that are male. But...I guess I've had some good female professors, too.
Lady interviewer: Oh yeah? Like who?
Me: Uhhh... My [crim law] professor.
Lady interviewer: What was her name?
Me: I can't remember.
Lady interviewer: Right. So, what can I tell you about the firm?

Anyway. The women's luncheon wasn't as bad as it could have been, I suppose. I mean, no one menstruated all over the tablecloth or anything, nobody made me bake , and I didn't literally have to experience childbirth right there on the table in front of everybody. But still. It couldn't have been any girlier if they'd held it inside a giant vagina that was decorated with ponies. Although the food probably wouldn't have been much better.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for salvaging my bad fucking morning with this little gem.

9:11 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was from me. klb.

9:12 AM


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