My name is Self-Appointed Expert, and this is my blog. It is part memoir, mostly fiction, and above all just trying to be funny. Some of is based on stuff that happened to me, some is based on stuff that happened to people I know, and a good deal is just entirely made up. So, if you find yourself offended, just remember - it's a joke. When you give me that look, it's a joke. Consider it my homage to the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, A Million Little Pieces, John Hodgman, and Christopher Guest.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

For the birds.

The other day I was walking to work, and as I looked down at the sidewalk to stare at my feet (my usual posture), I noticed a tiny female sparrow hopping along beside me.

-"Hey, SEA," she chirped. "I see you're wearing a suit. You're not seriously going to work today, are you?"
-"Why shouldn't I be? They pay me well, they treat me like royalty, and they're going to teach me how to be a really good lawyer. What's not to love?" I blinked back, bewildered.
-"Well, for one, that skirt is obviously too tight on you. Working at a firm doesn't seem to fit you much better. Also, it's beautiful outside. Look at that sky! Do you honestly prefer staring at a computer screen all day? A computer screen of death?"
-[Stunned, I stopped in my tracks. I stood, for a moment, in silence.]
-"Come, fly with me. All you have to do is turn left at the intersection instead of right. Be an artist. Read novels. Live at home. Stay a child at heart. You already act like a four year old most of the time anyway."

I looked at her, she stared back at me, and she walked along next to me for a good ten paces before she flew off, exacerbated. I took the next right.


Blogger Ivy Dillinger said...

Birds talk to me too. Just like that. I swear.

Your brain is tasty.

4:45 PM


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