My name is Self-Appointed Expert, and this is my blog. It is part memoir, mostly fiction, and above all just trying to be funny. Some of is based on stuff that happened to me, some is based on stuff that happened to people I know, and a good deal is just entirely made up. So, if you find yourself offended, just remember - it's a joke. When you give me that look, it's a joke. Consider it my homage to the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, A Million Little Pieces, John Hodgman, and Christopher Guest.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Do you take...this woman?

Sometimes I get lonely. Despite all my big talk, I don't have a boyfriend - homeless, homely, or otherwise. No one to cuddle. No one to improve. No one to mooch off of or clean up after. I think the problem is that I hate most people I meet, and my standards are even higher for people who want to do me. Another issue is that as much as I hate people, I hate dating more. Really, I don't even want a boyfriend. What I want is a husband. But without having to date him first.

It makes sense to me. Boyfriends are afraid of commitment. Husbands, on the other hand, seem to support it - at least on paper. Boyfriends live in shitty bachelor pads. Husbands live in houses that I get to decorate, but they have to pay for. Boyfriends break hearts. Husbands fix sinks. It seems like a no-brainer.

The problem is I've found that guys don't marry girls if they don't, for instance, know their last names. The way I see it, though, what does it matter what my last name is? I'm just going to give it up when I take yours anyway. So, when I say to you, Evan Thompson, "Hi, my name is Sarah," don't ask me, "Well, do you have a last name?" Just think, "Sarah. Sarah Thompson. Right." Sort of has a nice ring to it, eh? Specifically, a gold ring. White gold. With diamonds.

And an inscription on the inner band: "To the girl I just met, who tricked me into marrying her. You're more fun than the bar scene. I think." Only in Latin. It sounds a little pushy in English.


Blogger Rape Chef said...

Aww, you seem really sweet, it's a shame you haven't been able to meet someone. This may sound silly and presumptuous, but just from reading your blog I really can tell that we'd be a great match. Seriously. Maybe we can meet up sometime if you'd like. I'd bring you to my favorite sushi spot, take you out dancing, and bring you back to my place to share a rare 1994 Duckhorn Vineyards Cabernet over some live jazz recordings and great conversation. Or at least I would do all of those things if I couldn't just get what I wanted by threatening you at knifepoint in a location with minimal foot traffic.

3:51 AM


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