My name is Self-Appointed Expert, and this is my blog. It is part memoir, mostly fiction, and above all just trying to be funny. Some of is based on stuff that happened to me, some is based on stuff that happened to people I know, and a good deal is just entirely made up. So, if you find yourself offended, just remember - it's a joke. When you give me that look, it's a joke. Consider it my homage to the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, A Million Little Pieces, John Hodgman, and Christopher Guest.

Friday, May 12, 2006

This House Is Not a Home

A number of people have emailed me expressing doubts about my last post about being homeless at Harvard. You go to HLS, they questioned, couldn’t you at least get a job at a high-powered law firm for a summer and spend the money on a room in Gropius?

Well, first, I’d like to point out that not all HLS students go into the private sector. I, for one, am committed to the public interest, which is why I’m on LIPP (the Low Income Protection Plan) – and why I’m living in a REFRIGERATOR box, and not in some everyday cardboard number or common city dumpster. Also – Gropius? Please. I thought the whole point of getting a home was to move in somewhere nicer than where you’d be living if you were still out on the streets. If I wanted to get syphilis from sleeping in a pile of my own filth every night, I’d just go back to shacking up in the Sheppard Street sewer drain, thank you very much.

Furthermore, for those of you who’ve taken Secured Transactions or the like, I’d like to remind you of a little something I learned in my Bankruptcy class. It’s called being “judgment proof,” as in, if you don’t have any assets for anyone to take from you, there’s basically nothing the law can do to you. It’s the one thing that princes and paupers have in common: the law can’t touch you.

Now, if only I could invent something that would make me “schizophrenia proof.”


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