My name is Self-Appointed Expert, and this is my blog. It is part memoir, mostly fiction, and above all just trying to be funny. Some of is based on stuff that happened to me, some is based on stuff that happened to people I know, and a good deal is just entirely made up. So, if you find yourself offended, just remember - it's a joke. When you give me that look, it's a joke. Consider it my homage to the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, A Million Little Pieces, John Hodgman, and Christopher Guest.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Nothing says "good job!" like a firm open palm slap on the behind.

Today at the firm we got to watch a video about sexual harassment. It was very informative. According to the video, asking for sex in exchange for advancing someone's career is bad, and making broad over-generalizations about a gender is worse. I'm pretty sure that just giving sex out for free is still okay, though. At least, I hope so, because my career basically depends on it.

The thing about sexual harassment is, I thrive on it. As do most female law students, really. For instance, there's a girl at Harvard who has become well-known for posting pictures of herself online wearing only lingerie, or bikinis, or less, and SHE'S never gotten under a B-! When you think about it, it makes total sense: when everyone at law school is crazy smart, and knowing the black letter law is a given for everyone in all your classes, you have to come up with creative ways to distinguish yourself from your peers. Law professors call it "having that special something that sets you apart." I call it "having boobs."

But sexual harassment isn't all good all the time. It has its drawbacks, particularly for women. Consider the case of my friend, "Laura":
LauraonAIM: ill tell you what, i would LOVE a little more sexual harassment
LauraonAIM: don't just undress me with your eyes, for crying out loud
LauraonAIM: only one of us gets anything out of that

Laura's point is well-made. In the last generation, women have made great strides into the field of sexual harassment. I think we all remember that Coca-Cola ad with the secretaries and the dirty guy without his shirt on. Those working girls were truly the reverse-Rosa Parks of the female sexual harassment movement: they refused to look at anything but the back of that dude's bus. And don't forget all those hot middle school teachers sleeping with their 15 year old students. Or, as I like to call them, the Freedom Riders. But, despite these notable achievements, there is still much work to be done. I look forward to the day when little girls and little boys can freely exchange unwanted touching and sexual attention. When a tug on the testicles is as common as a grope of the breast. When feminists don't burn bras, they let them slide seductively off their shoulders and onto their office floor. And, dare I say it? When my subordinate's promotion depends on my personal penetration.

For it is only then that will we be truly free.


Blogger kayellbee said...

Freedom Riders! Mwahahahaha. Very nice.

12:39 PM

Blogger kayellbee said...

Gasp! where's the link to MY blog?

9:11 PM


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