My name is Self-Appointed Expert, and this is my blog. It is part memoir, mostly fiction, and above all just trying to be funny. Some of is based on stuff that happened to me, some is based on stuff that happened to people I know, and a good deal is just entirely made up. So, if you find yourself offended, just remember - it's a joke. When you give me that look, it's a joke. Consider it my homage to the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, A Million Little Pieces, John Hodgman, and Christopher Guest.

Friday, May 26, 2006

If you are what you eat, then I am a citizen of the world.

Fennel seeds. Vanilla oil. Truffle oil. Aioli. Crab cakes. Cheesecakes. Reductions. Fruit-infused herbal iced teas. Trios of sorbets. Unnecessarily detailed descriptions of daily specials, using words like "heat," "prepared," "selected," "we have today," and weirdo sorts of fish. Black napkins.

In France, the traditional method for preparing foie gras (which actually dates back to 400 BC Egypt) involves force-feeding a goose until its liver swells to three times its normal size. (I know this because since I started my job, I've been been brushing my teeth each morning with various flavors of foie gras. I recommend the mint.) The idea is that the more fat in the liver, the more delicious in the pate.

After less than a month on the job, it's safe to say that my internal organs must be pretty tasty. We've had pan-Asian, pan-Latin American, pan-French countryside, and even some weirdo pan-Gulf of Mexican seafood fushion. At this point, I'm really just a few servings of penguin shashimi and coconut-flavored U.N. rice staples short of completing my summer 2006 gluttony world tour.

Some people have to join the Navy to see the world. All I did was sign up for OCI, and I got to eat it.


Blogger kayellbee said...

"few servings of penguin shashimi and coconut-flavored U.N. rice staples short"

Priceless. Please, please don't let them force-feed the funny out of you.

4:39 PM


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