My name is Self-Appointed Expert, and this is my blog. It is part memoir, mostly fiction, and above all just trying to be funny. Some of is based on stuff that happened to me, some is based on stuff that happened to people I know, and a good deal is just entirely made up. So, if you find yourself offended, just remember - it's a joke. When you give me that look, it's a joke. Consider it my homage to the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, A Million Little Pieces, John Hodgman, and Christopher Guest.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

A Correspondence

My dearest Georgie,

I know it's been a long time since we last talked. Things were said that shouldn't have been. I know I'm not proud of that last "America is the Great Satan" comment or 7. But, baby, we've just been through too much together to throw it all away on something as silly as me not believing in the Holocaust. Sure, I'm a de facto dictator with a penchant for illegal nuclear arms, and you're a "democratically elected" son of a bitch who loves Jesus...but, you know what they say: opposites attract. Let's not make this a nuclear war. Come back to me, baby. I can change. You know I can change for you.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad


Dear Moody Djibouti,

This is a hard letter for me to write. And not just because the secretary lady went home an hour ago and I usually do these things on the dicta-majingy. This is hard-heart-wise. And not heartwise like Big Time's boo-boo on his ticker. Feelings heart-wise. Because, Moody, you broke my heart. You broke it square in two. I've loved a lot of men in my life - Jesus, my daddy, Saddam Allah (heheheheheh! just kidding on that last one!). But I'll never be able to love anyone ever again in the way I loved you. And you know what they say: If you love someone, you've got to set them free. And by set them free, of course I mean invade their country and set up a puppet regime. Expect my boys on Tuesday.

Don't ever call me again.



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