My name is Self-Appointed Expert, and this is my blog. It is part memoir, mostly fiction, and above all just trying to be funny. Some of is based on stuff that happened to me, some is based on stuff that happened to people I know, and a good deal is just entirely made up. So, if you find yourself offended, just remember - it's a joke. When you give me that look, it's a joke. Consider it my homage to the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, A Million Little Pieces, John Hodgman, and Christopher Guest.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

10 interesting things about me.

10. I was born in a Holiday Inn. I mean hospital.

9. At the age of 8, I adopted a chicken and then spent weeks teaching it to fly. It taught me persistance, grace in defeat, and that my brother is a jerk.

8. I was the youngest co-pilot in American Airlines's history. When I was 4, the pilot let me take the wheel for 5 full minutes. He would have let me land it, too, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.

7. Sometimes I like to steal jokes from the Office and pretend that I made them up myself. (See Thing 8.) Also, the Rules of Attraction. (See Thing 10.) There aren't many of those in the latter.

6. I once took a class called the American Presidency. At one point during lecture, the professor made a joke: "Well, none of you in this room have never been president, so..." The class laughed, but at that moment I was actually sitting next to the former president of Ecuador.

5. I firmly believe that taking up knitting is the homeopathic alternative to having your vagina surgically removed.

4. My hobbies include fencing, knife throwing, street luge, and lying.

3. I lost my virginity in a dare. And by dare, I mean drunken haze.

2. I've always wanted to have someone name a baby after me, which is a problem if you write an anonymous fictional blog.

1. I am, in reality, Batman.

The end.

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