My name is Self-Appointed Expert, and this is my blog. It is part memoir, mostly fiction, and above all just trying to be funny. Some of is based on stuff that happened to me, some is based on stuff that happened to people I know, and a good deal is just entirely made up. So, if you find yourself offended, just remember - it's a joke. When you give me that look, it's a joke. Consider it my homage to the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, A Million Little Pieces, John Hodgman, and Christopher Guest.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Top 5 Reasons Why I'm Done With Dorms.

In the tradition of Paul Simon's 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, the following is a tribute list of the top 5 "greatest hits" reasons why I won't be living in the law school dorms again next year (or for that matter, in any dorm, ever again):

5. Living in dorms is supposed to be a good way to meet people. Little did I know that the dorm I would get lottoed into, however, would be a converted Howard Johnsons's Hotel. You know how when you stay at a hotel, you never see the other guests? Turns out the same thing's true when the hotel's a dorm. The only girl I've gotten to know here does something called a "vegetable challenge" for fun. (Although, in all other respects, she is a total sweetheart, so I can't be too hard on her and her love of vegetables.)

4. Despite my dorm's humble origins as a cheap motel, it's surprisingly all-too-easy to hear your co-occupants mid-orgasm. From across the hall. Over and over again. I need a boyfriend.

3. There's a rule against soaking your dishes in the common kitchen. Result? I do my dishes in the same sink I use to brush me teeth. Short of dating Kevin Federline or giving handjobs for crack (same difference), it's quite possibly the most disgusting habit in the world.

2. My room measures 9.5'x11'. Enough said.

1. Someone stole my can of Pam Cooking Spray from the common kitchen. Two questions: (1) Who steals Pam Cooking Spray? (2) Once they steal it, what are they using it for outside of the common kitchen?